Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath