[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I unironically love this joke.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather