My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no