Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
gm
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.