Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You Might Also Like
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend