This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Cheer up.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.