*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
he looks great for his age
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?