Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.