I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
You Might Also Like
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
finally found a reasonable question
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Buying a well is money well spent.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.