I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I love the National Park Service.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …