ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
they split up moments later
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things