Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
some cats are just doing for fun!
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101