Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.