Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
You Might Also Like
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Bond. Trauma bond.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.