School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants