Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk