A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
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5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Trains are just sideway elevators.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!