If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
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Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.