My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay