I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
That’s not how days work.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Cake safety first. Always.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!