I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Day 2 of my diet