Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You Might Also Like
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.