Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The police never think its as funny as you do.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
meow
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!