3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately