I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.