I unironically love this joke.
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.