I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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A wise man once said nothing.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
adam and eve had first world problems
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Did I do this right
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies