We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct