To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
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[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.