*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
All excellent questions
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.