Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive