you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?