In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I don’t know what to do
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
When you don’t understand how floors work