Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
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Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Did I do this right
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.