I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
*pronounces patio like ratio
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was