Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.