If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
You Might Also Like
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones