Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams