Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Air conditioning – not a fan
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”