Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.