dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
It do be feeling this way.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents