Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Super Hand Dog Face
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.