i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
You Might Also Like
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*