*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
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“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Pat is about to own someone
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
You learn something every day
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Welcome to the stomach
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.