This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
why isn’t he texting back
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot