COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.