just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I just love that new Pope smell.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”