Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The first one, obviously
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]