Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
*gets down on one knee*
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.