And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”